A very confused person

When I was around nine my teacher gave us a new list of words to learn, taught us the definitions and asked us to incorporate them into a story.

I remember being taught the meaning of “Dilemma“.

My teacher gave a great an example of when he had been in a dilemma. It was a short, funny and most likely completely made up tale.

I usually really enjoyed these exercises but with “dilemma” I was…stuck. 

I’d never been in a dilemma, I remember thinking.

Did having to choose between mint-chocolate chip and bubble ice-cream count? [For the record, according to my year 4 teacher, the answer is no]. 

I distinctly remember being very cross with myself for not having experienced this thing my teacher was describing. (I was an incredibly strange child).

Forward to age twenty-one and… there have been a lot of dilemmas. There have been many, many occasions when I’ve wished that I could regain the innocence of being nine-years old. Times when I’ve been so confused between what the right decision was. Times when neither choice seemed right. Basically, times that have made me want to change my identity and find the most secluded cave on the furthest island that I could hide away on… *cough* not to say, that I can’t handle being an adult or anything of the sort *cough*

I am indecisive person as it is, so when it comes to hard things…it’s well, hard. 

I’m usually the type of person to think things through logically. Who categorizes and classifies and ranks decisions. Who makes pros and cons lists.

But I’m also quite intuitive.

And sometimes my gut says right and my neatly written logical assumption says left.

And I’m left in an even greater dilemma as I try to choose between gut and logic.

I wish I could be one of those people who just knows whether they are a “heart over head” or “head over heart” sort of person.

I don’t feel like either. There have been numerous times when I’ve ignored my gut and gone with logic and other times, when I’ve rationalised to myself that my gut is correct and original logical assumptions were wrong…

Scenario: I have a dilemma

Brain: Commence mission. Tasks: research, lists and conclusion

Research completed, list produced, conclusion found.Decision made but then…

Gut: I think this is the wrong decision.

Brain: well, the facts here clearly show X, Y an Z…

Gut: Sorry, I’m just not feeling this…

Brain: Maybe it’s food-poisoning

*wait a period of time*

Brain: Hmm, no signs we are physically ill

Gut: I’m telling you, it’s the decision that’s causing these symptoms

Brain: You may be right. Commence re-evaluation.

*Further research and lists*

Brain: After re-evaluation, I conclude that my research was of good quality. However, perhaps if we consider these other factors, then perhaps… Gut… you are right.

Gut: I am? I am? But no… you’re the brain.The list! The research! I could just be feeling ill!

ME: binge eat and proceed to feel ill.

So there it is… decisions, dilemmas and I … do not go together. I am neither a heart over head or a head over heart person. I am just a very confused person.






The pretend game

Let’s play a game, my dear.

This is a game everyone plays.

You see, all you have to do is Pretend.

Can you do that, my dear?

Do it, please.

Pretend you don’t see the worry in my eyes and the pulling down of my lips.

And those wilting flowers? Pretend they’re not there.

Let’s pretend the sun won his fight with the clouds.

Let’s pretend the homeless man we gave coins to, is just an actor.

Let’s pretend the world is kinder than it is.

The politicians, pretend we can trust them.

The bills, pretend we can pay them.

The world, pretend we can fix it.

Turn on the news, and smile because it’s all pretend.

The wars in forgotten lands,

the terrorism all over,

the racism in our institutions.

It’s not real, right?

For today at least, it’s all pretend.

The diseases we can’t fix,

the starvation we can’t feed,

the ice caps we can’t stop melting,

It’s all pretend.

Okay, my dear?