A couple of weeks ago, I was… a little miserable.
My confidence was low. I didn’t feel like myself.
On the one hand, I was annoyed that I was spending so much time doing nothing – what a waste.
At the same time, however, I felt resigned – lazy – weak. I didn’t want to do anything. My motivation had seeped away.
In hindsight, it seems melodramatic.
But I guess, everyone has those periods.
It’s like a haze, I guess, that somehow manages to blur our sight. It’s weird. Feelings are both amplified and numbed.
And then when you get through the ‘not feeling so great’ bit, you can’t remember what was so bad in the first place.
For the last month or two months, I’ve made a conscious effort to keep myself busy. And I have been, extremely, extremely busy. So much so that, I haven’t had the chance to do things that I want to – meet friends and family, read, blog…
(I really should have had better time-management.)
Yet, I’m glad I kept busy.
Because somehow through the ridiculous hours and deadlines and whatever, I’ve somehow found some motivation.
I’ve learnt things about myself which surprised me.
It’s pretty much well-known to everyone around me that I’m an introvert, that I’m shy, that I’m quiet.
I’ve always thought I would be terrible at public speaking or teaching or anything involving me being vocal.
I’m just too awkward. Just too anxious. Just too shy.
But I guess, until you push yourself into new situations – you don’t know what you’re capable of.
Over the last few weeks, I have had to talk to strangers in public, I have had to try and explain complex ideas, I’ve had to be encouraging – I’ve had to let my passion for a subject show.
And weirdly, crazily…
I enjoyed it?
So strange. Seriously, I cannot get over the fact that I actually enjoyed talking. I am someone who can get palpitations just walking across my office to the printer – my self-conscious brain tells me I am disturbing others, people are staring etc. etc.
In short, I hate attention.
And yet, I pushed myself and it was great.
I loved it.
I don’t feel Unstoppable. (Too rational and aware of my own fallibility for that).
However, I feel pretty good right now. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last two months it’s this – I should say yes to more opportunities, no matter how outside my comfort zone they are.