It’s strange how so much can change in just over a week.
Last week, I saw an advertisement for what seemed like an exciting opportunity. It was the day of the deadline.
I’m usually the type of person to mull over things, assess pros and cons, do as much research as I possibly can, before I make a decision. For once though… I was slightly spontaneous. Slightly, because I still did do a little research but for me at least, this was spontaneous.
As soon as I sent of the application though, my stomach began to churn.
I’m a stickler for details an I didn’t know exactly what I had just applied for me. What if it was something completely outside of my comfort zone? What if it was too tiring to take on another thing? What if…what if...
The ‘what ifs’ swam around my mind until I concluded, that actually I was being quite egotistical.
What even made me think I would be chosen?
Seriously, I had impulsively applied – I had rushed the application in a mad excitement – surely, I wouldn’t get it.
So it was fine.
I could stay in my comfort zone. All was well.
But then by the next morning I thought, but no, I really want this.
Only for a couple of hours later to think; no, I don’t, I would be terrible at this.
Basically, my mind was in an argument with itself.
And then somehow I got called for an interview.
And my brain, heart and stomach went into turmoil. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be successful or not. Actually, I think that deep down I knew that I did want to be successful but the doubts about whether I would actually be able to, made all that passion to succeed hide away.
I had to take a couple of hours of work for this interview. How stupid, I told myself. Taking time out for something that would never lead anywhere.
But you have to try, another part of me was saying, you can’t not.
So the day came.
And it didn’t start of well.
I missed my bus.
So I had to walk.
I was already late so I assumed I wouldn’t get there in time.
Then when I got to the area where I was supposed to be, I realised I didn’t know where the building was.
I also realised my hijab was slowly unravelling. I’d lost a pin on the way.
The button on my blazer had broken off.
I felt a mess.
But when I looked up, I found that the building was right in front of me. I looked at the time and somehow I was ten minutes early.
Suddenly, I became resolved to do the best I could at the interview.
And I did – and I was selected.
Initially, when I found out I was selected I was… happy, excited, amazed before the self-doubt began to plague in – you won’t manage this, you can’t do this, it’s not for people like you.
Those thoughts overtook my mind.
Luckily, though I managed to (mostly) squash them down.
A couple of days later and I was already beginning this new project. And it was amazing. I can’t put into words how happy I am that I applied. I met great like-minded people, I’ve already learnt so much and I know I will continue to do so.
There’s definitely going to be parts of this job that I know I will struggle with. That will force me out of my comfort zone but actually, I’m…looking forward to it. I want to be challenged and I want to be pushed into improving my skills. Sometimes of course, that enemy of mine, self-doubt, reappears and question why I was chosen. I shouldn’t have been, right? But more and more, I’m squashing those negative emotions down. I’m going to make the absolute most of this opportunity.
That said, it’s not easy.
This past week I’ve worked over six days and well-over 40 hours. As a result, I am so, so exhausted.
This also explains why I haven’t been blogging as much and why I didn’t complete the quotes challenge. It’s about 4 days late I think but here’s my final quote:
I know for a fact, that had I not applied for this opportunity, I would definitely have had regret.
Thanks again Anjali for the Quotes Challenge nomination (I’m so sorry for the delay!).
My three final nominations are: