Earlier this week I realised that over the past one or two years, I’ve slowly been losing my confidence.
I’ve always been shy but I also had an inner confidence in myself; if I worked hard, put in the effort, continued to pray, I would be okay – I would succeed. Even, if there were challenges, I always believed it would all be for a reason – I would manage.
When I struggled with something, I would find the solution. In school for example, I would only ask for help once I was sure I had put in all my effort to try find the answer myself – I would never allow myself to give up at the first hurdle; it was always try, try and try again.
But recently, I’ve been losing this confidence in myself. I question my abilities, I fear that I’m making the wrong choices, I doubt myself. I had convinced myself last year that I had failed at least one exam.
I don’t believe I can be successful at all – whether personally or professionally. I feel mediocre – doomed to fail.
Previously, when my mum asked me about my future – I could prattle on about all my options, the possibilities. Now? I avoid those questions like the plague. Everything is obscured by uncertainty and fear.
It’s not like me at all.
One of the (many) reasons I’m happy that I started this blog, is that if it hadn’t been for me reading previous posts – I wouldn’t have realised just how my self-confidence has dropped. I wouldn’t have been able to see that most of what I write about, is either fear and uncertainty or my childhood memories. I’ve started to live in the past, instead of looking to my future.
Basically, I’m not in the best place right now.
It’s strange, because I guess if you asked people around me they wouldn’t know the difference.
Whereas in this blog, I expose all my feelings – in reality I am incredibly private. I find it hard to talk about things like this. (I’m sure I can’t be the only one?) Also, for some weird strange reason – I apparently, portray the appearance of someone who has everything organised, sorted and under control. Which is good, I guess? But also, not so good…especially, when inside I’m just a tumbling, self-doubting mess.
My mum was talking to me the other day and told me I should work hard to make something for myself, do a masters or Phd if I want, study, work, travel. Be successful. And I honestly, didn’t believe any of that was possible for me.
But I want it to be.
My parents have also encouraged me, loved me and supported me. Forget the Sky being the limit, there was a running joke in my family of my dad wanting me to go into space – be an astronaut. Seriously, he once convinced my Aunty that this was really happening, (for the record, I have no intention of ever experiencing zero gravity).
The only thing my mum expected me to fail was my driving test – which, I did actually pass (much to my own surprise too …).
Point is, they’ve always believed in me and continue do so. It’s about time I started to do the same.
Self-confidence isn’t just something you can switch on, so I’m not expecting to suddenly have that faith in myself but I am going to make a conscious effort to try and be just a little more positive… believe the sky’s the limit.